December 16, 2016

10 More Things I've Learned About The Hallmark Christmas Movie Universe

I'm deep into my fifth year of watching every Hallmark Channel #CountdowntoChristmas movie (and tweeting about them! Follow me!) and even after 2 articles on the subject, I'm still finding new things to mock. At this point, I can't even be sure I enjoy these movies or if I am hate-watching them. I eagerly look forward to watching them each week, only to talk trash about them all the way through. Needless to say, my husband avoids coming home until late on Saturday and Sunday nights.

By branching out and also watching all the original programming on the Ion and UP Channels, I get some additional diversity (both in plot and actual diverse actors), but I also risk sitting through a lot more sludge. But with the exception of slightly racier fare on non-Hallmark channels (people make out!), they're all basically same.

Here are some more ridiculous things I've noticed this year:

1. Old people have nothing better to do than fix up any younger single people they come across. (On second thought, this might reflect real life.)

2. Big-city dwellers are obnoxious eaters, always unaware of their surroundings, and go into a small diner to order egg white omelettes with gluten-free toast and low fat, no foam lattes or whatever.

You can almost believe
it's Christine Taylor!
3. And the main character, luckily, always loves kids! How could anyone possibly be annoyed by a small human following you around and pouting when you can't make their Christmas play/concert/talent show, even if you're not related to them? Everyone loves watching untalented children act and sing in excruciatingly long school productions!

4. Everyone looks vaguely like someone else. Couldn't get a legitimate B- or even C-List star? No worries! There's a knock-off version of hm/her out there who needs a paycheck.
I was really excited about this duo
until I remembered
Danica McKellar isn't Asian

5. Minorities are generally limited to the following quotas:
  • 1 minority assistant to the main character
  • 1 minority in a vague position of power, who may or may not have any actual lines, but will appear just so you know they exist (This movie is diverse! The Board chairman is black!)
  • No more than 3 minority extras, often scanned past in the background, such as carolers on a street (who are always dressed in Dickens-era clothing)
Nope. Not her kid.
6. All kids are sweet, polite, and generally yearning for an additional parental figure.

7. Small towns are like cults, trying to ensnare any newcomer into staying there forever. (This one might be true too. I wouldn't know, small towns freak me out.)

8. Women are always choosing between their careers and love because there is no compromise in a Hallmark movie, so she usually passes up the big promotion and/or quits her job to stay with the small town guy she met 3 days ago. Yay love?

9. Emotional affairs: OK. Physical affairs: OMG NEVER.

10. Every family has a secret recipe for something because people in Hallmark movies are better cooks than the common folk who just use recipe books.

**I can't possibly let this article end without mentioning the highlight of this year's lineup: a Center Stage ripoff called A Nutcracker Christmas, featuring "Charlie from Seattle" aka Sascha Radetsky. It wasn't good, and more importantly, didn't have Cooper Nielsen, but it was still exciting.**

No comments:

Post a Comment