November 25, 2014

Sex Tape (2014)

Cameron Diaz, Jason Segal, Rob Lowe

Can I take a second and point out how crazy our culture has become in that the pervasiveness and commonality of watching Internet porn is such that movies like Zach and Miri Make a Porno and Sex Tape can even be made for mass consumption? Don Jon was genius because it took an almost satirical look at it and combined it with good ol' make-fun-of-New-Jersey humor. This movie, on the other hand, feels like, well, a Jason Segal movie. Like every other Jason Segal movie.

Speaking of Jason Segal movies, is it necessary that he sing in absolutely every single goddamn one? It's like, you can automatically tell if he helped write the script based on whether or not he sings in it. It's ridiculous. It's not like a situation where we pretend Christina Aguilera is an actress in Burlesque but compensate for it by having her sing. Jason Segal can neither act not sing. So why add insult to injury?

In case you think I'm biased against Jason Segal, the answer is I am. But I tried, people. I really tried. I even binge-watched five full seasons of How I Met Your Mother, despite my contempt for CBS, in an attempt to understand why he keeps getting cast in things. I thought perhaps he showed some range in the show that doesn't appear when he plays the same "lovable loser" over and over and over again. Surprise! He doesn't.

I could go on and on about my dislike of Jason Segal and his naked body, but this movie rested equally on the [giant] mouth of Cameron Diaz. No, but seriously, her mouth frightens me. If they ever bring the feminist revolution to re-casting Batman, Cameron Diaz should be first choice to play The Joker. Her mouth might otherwise be a minor problem, except that this is a movie about sex and there are a lot of close-ups on her kissing. And frankly, she looks like a bad kisser. I don't blame her, considering she's having to kiss Jason Segal, but it's unpleasant to watch.

You know what else is unpleasant? Having flashbacks in the movie that require the audience to pretend that Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz are 20 years old. This wouldn't be quite so offensive, except that they're nude in these scenes too. So we're just supposed to act like it's not weird that their bodies look exactly the same 10 years later. Oh, and that they're both 30 years old for the rest of the movie. (News flash: Cameron Diaz is 42 in real life.) Add to that the complete implausibility that Jason Segal lands anyone who looks like Cameron Diaz in real life...

Ok, beyond that seemingly insurmountable challenge of casting the wrong people in the movie, the plot reads like a bad version of Horrible Bosses with its over-the-top frenetic pace and wacky side characters. I'm not sure why Rob Lowe leaves every single television show because of his ego but is ok playing a hybrid of "super creepy Rob Lowe" and "painfully awkward Rob Lowe" in this movie.

Yet again, this is a movie with a funny premise that fails to deliver all the humor that could have been. Instead, we're left with the awkward nudity of Jason Segal, whom no one wants to see naked, and some crazy storyline that makes you feel less sorry for the characters and more like you want to sit them down for a lesson in how to use technology. I never thought I'd utter these words, but they could have taken a cue from Judd Apatow and made this is a little more like This is 40 and a little less like they were trying to appeal to 20-somethings. 20-somethings would know how not to upload their sex tape onto the Internet.

Final word: I might actually rather sit through a friends' actual sex tape rather than watch this again.

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