February 16, 2014

Despicable Me 2 (2013)

Steve Carell, Kristen Wiig, Benjamin Bratt


That pretty much sums up the movie. This movie was made knowing that everyone really only goes to see the minions and tried to build a plot around that. The problem with that, of course, is that you end up with a movie that has some funny parts, really cute minions, but the rest is really just throwaway. Like, garbage throwaway.

Much like every other sequel out there, it takes every quality that made the first movie successful and beats it to death. Anges' adorableness and love for unicorns? Crosses the line into shrill. Gru's awkward charm and sensitivity? Bordering on homeless puppy levels. And of course, the minions? It's as if hundreds of baby pandas were cuddled in clouds on cotton candy while having a tickle fight or something. They're so cute Morgan Freeman is going to narrate their upcoming movie.

But all that is really a recipe for disaster. Because if I have learned anything from watching my kid's same goddamn Strawberry Shortcake: Cooking Up Fun video on repeat for the last two weeks, it's that recipes don't work without the right amount of each ingredient! (I'll spare you the song that goes with that hokey saying) What I'm trying to say is that by trying to make this movie so cute by amping up everything that worked in the first movie, they essentially destroyed it. It's like eating a
baklava that was made with 3x the amount of honey. A good idea in theory, but really just makes you sick after eating it. (Don't ask why I know this.)

In summary, it makes me ashamed that this movie was:

A. Made
B. Named their "favorite movie of all time" by approximately half my sixth grade student body
C. Nominated for an Oscar alongside a serious animated piece of work like Frozen
D. Made into a 3D movie, somehow asserting that minions holding ladders at funny angles and throwing stuff at the screen equates to the same inflated movie price ticket that the *visual effects* of Gravity commands

Final word: I can't even give this a mediocre rating. Even for a cartoon. Even with Pharrell singing the theme song.

*that was for you, +JDGObviously

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