September 6, 2013

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

Ian McKellen, Martin Freeman

Let me walk you through a running dialogue of my thoughts as I watched this movie:

Hmm...this movie seems to just have a voice over reading of the book itself. Was the screenplay writer not creative enough to adapt some of this stuff to dialogue or action? [Ten minutes later] Finally, the omnipresent voice is gone. Hey, what is the guy who plays Bilbo Baggins from? I think it's the guy in Love Actually who does the weird porn scenes. I always wondered why that storyline needed to be included in that movie. Wow, I wish this movie would get going. I don't remember anything from reading this book back in 7th grade. I remember thinking the book was more interesting than what's happening right now, though. OMG, did the dwarves just break into song? Please tell me this isn't a musical.

[A solid 25 minutes later] Ok, this isn't so bad. Finally some action. Ooh, great, the elves. I remember thinking the elves were pretty badass in The Lord of the Rings movies. In fact, the long hair and archery skills might explain why it's the only movie I can stand to watch that has Orlando Bloom in it. I do wish they hadn't made the elves looks like Trekkies with those headbands and the pointy ears. Hey, maybe I spent too many years in Bible school, but is it just me or does the whole 'dwarves wandering without a homeland' story make anyone else think of Israelites in the desert for 40 years? Is The Lord of the Rings trilogy secretly a metaphor for religion like the C.S. Lewis books?

!!!Holy s*&^ Gollum is creepy!!! And WTF is he saying? Can I get some closed captioning? Hm, Gollum also sort of looks like Willem Dafoe. I always thought there was something off about him...

[Some time later...] Wow, this movie has rounded the bases of two hours and shows no sign of ending soon. Does Peter Jackson think he won the Oscar for Best Picture for The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King because of its length?? I swear, I thought the book was pretty short. I mean, 12 year-olds don't exactly have a huge attention span. Sigh. I really wish this movie would end.

WTF?!? This movie has a sequel? How the f*$% does a prequel have a sequel?? I just sat through 2 hours and 40 minutes of a movie and I don't even know how it ends?? F%^& you, Peter Jackson.

[After the movie ended I went online and discovered that the 320 page book has actually been split into three (yes THREE) movies. I now know why people hate America.]

Final word: I cannot begin to tell you how much this did not need to be split into multiple movies.

Do yourself a favor and just read the book.

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