September 30, 2013

Parental Guidance (2012)

Billy Crystal, Bette Midler, Marisa Tomei, Tom Everett Scott

Since it appears the creators of this movie just mailed in a half-assed effort, I will match their level of exertion in writing my review of it. Instead of composing a complete, thorough piece, I'm going to just list a whole bunch of snarky comments about the entire experience.

  • How did they land actors of such high profile for this? What was the budget on this movie? Were they blackmailed into doing this in some way?
  • I'm offended this movie was marketed to me - a parent. Just because I had kids doesn't mean I lost the cognitive ability to discern funny from idiotic.
  • I'm sort of offended this movie was made at all.
  • And that it sold over $77 million worth of tickets.
  • Even the word "cliché" is not cliché enough to describe the plot of this movie.
  • Ditto for the word "predictable."
  • I don't enjoy watching old people struggle with technology and slang for two hours. I see this all the time with my own parents and mostly just feel annoyed.
  • I thought this would be at least on par with mediocre kids/family movies of my childhood, like Blank Check or even Angels in the Outfield. When a movie makes me pine for Danny Glover, you know things are bad.
  • If you're really interested in a hilarious view of touchy-feely modern parenting, go watch Maggie Gyllenhaal in Away We Go.
  • I never thought I'd see the day when Bette Midler is the least annoying person in a movie.
  • Who f*ck came up with naming the kid Barker?

And there you have it. I've spent exactly the same amount of time writing this review as the writers of the movie spent on the script.

Final word: Much like a bad relationship or some other painful experience I elected to put myself through, I found myself trying desperately trying to pull positives out of the movie. I'll let you know when I think of one.

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